Fallacies

2 Classifications of Fallacies:

1. Rhetorical fallacies (hermeneutic fallacies)
a) Incorrect obversion
This fallacy arise when, in changing the original proposition from affirmative to negative or negative to affirmative, the meaning of the original proposition is changed.
Example: All members of this class are Filipinos.
No members of this class are Filipinos.

b) Incorrect conversion
This fallacy arises when in the transposition of the subject and the predicate the meaning of the original proposition without changing the meaning of the original proposition.
Example: All horses are animals.
Some animals are horses.

c) Fallacy of accent
This fallacy is committed when the meaning of a proposition is misinterpreted on account of a misplaced accent or emphasis on a term.
Example: A house had just been painted.

No parking on both sides.

d) Fallacy of amphibology
This fallacy arises on account of a faulty grammatical construction of the sentence which gives rise to miscomprehension. The use of ambiguous pronouns and of dangling participial phrases often gives rise to this fallacy.
Example: The notorious criminal had been arrested by the policeman who robbed the bank.
While crossing the bridge, an accident befell the priest.

2. Logical fallacies (errors in inferring)
a) Formal Fallacies
This fallacy arises from the violations of the rules of the syllogisms thus giving rise to mistake in interference. It is committed in:

i. Categorical syllogisms
(1) Fallacy of four terms
Example: Filipinos are orientals.
Frenchmen are Europeans.
Filipinos are Europeans.

(2) Fallacy of undistributed middle
Example: Chinese are orientals.
Japanese are orientals.
Chinese are Japanese.

(3) Fallacy of illicit major
Example: Filipinos are a heroic people.
Americans are not Filipinos.
Americans are not heroic people.

(4) Fallacy of illicit minor
Example: All representatives are at least 25 yrs. of age.
All representatives are voters.
All voters are at least 25 yrs. of age.

(5) Fallacy of negative premises
Example: Cows are not dogs;
Horses are not dogs,
(No conclusion)

(6) Fallacy of particular premises
Example: Some people are lazy;
Some people are industrious.
(No conclusion)


ii. Disjunctive syllogisms
This fallacy arises when (1) the alternatives are not mutually exclusive and (2) the possibilities are not exhaustive.

a) Alternatives are not mutually exclusive
Example: Juan is either dishonest or stupid;
Juan is not stupid;
Juan is dishonest.
b) Possibilities not exhaustive
Example: Senator Reyes is either a Nacionalista or a Liberal;
Senator Reyes is not Nacionalista;
Senator X is liberal.


iii. Hypothetical syllogisms
Example: If Pedro marries Juana (antecedent), she will be happy (consequent).

(a) The fallacy of denying antecedent
Example: If Pedro marries Juana, she will be happy.
Pedro will not marry Juana.
Juana will not be happy.
(b) Affirming the consequent
Example: If Pedro has graduated with honors, he will be appointed to the faculty;
Pedro has been appointed to the faculty;
Perdo has graduated with honors.



b) Material Fallacies
This fallacy arises from the confusion in the connotation or denotation of the terms used or from a faulty assumption of facts.

i. Fallacies of Equivocation
What is true of a term used in one sense is also true of the same term used in another sense.

· Fallacies of Quantity
· Fallacy of Division
· Fallacy of Quality
· Fallacy of Simple Accident
· Fallacy of Converse Accident
· Fallacy of Specific Accident

ii. Fallacies of Presumption
The disputant assumes, without presenting evidence or argument, the truth of the conclusion which it is his duty to prove.

(a) Begging the question
o Assumptio non-probata
The arguer uses the conclusion to be proved as the means of proving it.
Example: All rapists should be sentenced with death penalty; Mr. A is a rapist.
Mr. A should be sentenced with death penalty.
o Circulus in probando(arguing in a circle)
When the arguer uses to unproved propositions, each to establish the validity of the order.
Example: Your answer is correct because it is my answer.

(b) Fallacy of ignorantio elenchi (irrelevant conclusion)
The disputant brushes aside or ignores the real question at issue and attempts to prove something which has no bearing on the question under discussion.
· Argumentum ad hominem
The debater befogs the issue, thus evading the arguments of his opponent, and instead directs his attack at the character, personality, or belief of his adversary.

Example: During the campaign for the presidency of the Philippines, where the candidates were Manuel Roxas and Sergio Osmeña, a group of electors discussed the merits of the two candidates. A hunchback was discussing the merits of Sergio Osmeña, while a tall man with with pock-marked face was extolling Manuel Roxas. The people assembled were applauding the hunchback. Exasperated, the tall man shouted at the top of his voice: “How can I expect straight arguments from a crooked body?”
· Argumentum ad populum
The disputant evades the real question and appeals to the passions or prejudices of his hearers.
Example: On the question that Philippine retail trade should be nationalized, a speaker, ignoring the real question, inflamed his hearers by picturing the Chinese as a vicious, corrupt, bribe-giving, and communist-inclined race.
· Argumentum ad ignorantiam
The debater ignores the question at issue, and asserts that a case that he has not yet established is good, because his opponent cannot disprove it.
Example: I maintain that this is a straight line, because no one among you can prove that it is crooked.

· Argumentum ad verecundiam
Literally, this fallacy means an argument to that which inspires reverence. This is committed when the debater contends that what he alleges is valid because it is supported by a person who commands respect and reverence.

Example: When a debater maintains that his stand on a proposition is valid because he used the view of a person recognized not as an authority but because his name commands the respect and reverence of his audience.

· Argumentum ad judicium
The debater ignores the real question and maintains that his contention is valid, because people in general believe it to be so.
Example: A certain University with seven thousand students used to advertise in this way: “Seven thousand students cannot be wrong.”

· Argumentum ad baculum
A debater ignores the real question and appeals to force rather than reason.
Example: When a suitor fails to win the hand of a girl in courtship, he appeals to force by abducting her.
· Argumentum ex concession
The disputant ignores the real question and asserts that his contention is valid because his opponent has previously admitted it to be so.

c. Fallacy of Complex Question
A debater asks a question that implies the truth of an assumption.
Example: A defendant in a civil action for alimony, while
on the stand, was asked by the opposing counsel the
following question: “Have you stopped beating your wife?”

d. Fallacy of Non Sequitur (it does not follow)
The debater draws a conclusion from a premise, without showing a valid connection between the assumed or known truth in the premise and the alleged truth in the conclusion.
1.) Simple sequitur
Arguer draws a conclusion from a premise without any attempt to show the connection between the cause and the effect.
Example: Maria is the most beautiful girl in our university; therefore, she should be given a scholarship abroad.

2.) False cause
The debater assumes that since one occurrence precedes another in point of time, that event is the cause of the one that follows.
Example: After the United Nations was organized on October 24, 1945, the Communists became dominant in China; and Communist North Korea invaded South Korea. In Indo-China, the communist serpent began to raise its ugly head. In the Philippines, the Huks became more defiant of the duly constituted authorities. Therefore, the attempt of civilized man to establish permanent world peace has incited a great portion of mankind to plunge it into chaos.

Obama- McCain Presidential Debate: An Assessment

The Obama – McCain Presidential Debate is in the nature of a Lincoln-Douglas type of debate because it is a debate between two individuals giving emphasis on issues based on the current and prevalent issues in the United States in the Bush administration, namely, among others, competing bailout plans, charter schools and education, tax increases, abortion, and more.

The statements given by the respective candidates were based on the party's respective propaganda, policies, and points of view rooted in their morals, values, and logic on how to face certain issues and offer effective and tangible solutions. It can be pointed out in the said debate that they were delivering their stand not only as a private individual but also as a representative to their respective parties.

The question whether the debate meet the academic standard for arguments will be determined according to their content, organization and style. It would be apparent through the statements of each candidate that being a representative of their respective party, they have researched on the issues.But it would seem that they were unable to provide a serious and convincing analysis on the issues. Nevertheless, they achieved the standard of argumentation.

However, meeting the academic standards or even exceeding it requires persuasive content, effective organization and expressive style. To be persuasive, the content must be insightful, convincing, as well as an in-depth perception and understanding of the issues involved. To be effective, the arguments must be presented in such a way as to make its purpose clear, unambiguous, logical and persuasive. In addition, the conclusion or suggestive actions must be presented with adequate supporting evidences. Lastly, to be expressive, one must communicate points and arguments with clarity and efficiency, through good transitions, use of appropriate and/or striking language and adequate range of vocabulary.

In relation to the next preceding paragraph, the arguments given by candidates Obama and McCain were quite convincing and quite outstanding for an individual to be able to deliver their respective parties' propaganda and policies on the given issues. Meanwhile, to assess it according to the academic standards for arguments, it would be apparent that it needed improvement because the requirements explained above were not diligently complied. They might delivered orally what they wanted to act in certain issues but it did not offer convincing solutions to current undertakings of their economy and state.

As a suggestion, they must offer actions and solutions upon undergoing an appropriate research of an issue,in-depth analysis and synthesize arguments to provide the best solutions in order to understand the importance of engaging in issues of societal importance.

Lessons from the Recent Moot Court

Lessons Learned in the Recent Moot Court Competition:

Teamwork
There was this one counsel from the Prosecution who was asked by one strict judge and he answered briefly without satisfying the judge’s question, but instead, he referred it to his second counsel who might satisfactorily answer the question. Maybe the judge was annoyed and just let the said counsel to continue his presentation.
The lesson here is that part of teamwork is to be able to comprehend and answer questions tackled by the other member’s presentation as an indication of being prepared and ready.


Master the Subject- Matter
In this competition, it is a good and given impression that each participant knows their presentation, as well as the subject-matter. The challenge here is the art of delivery and argumentation, and to be able to convince the judges to favor your case. If you achieve these, we’ll see you in the semi-finals, or even, in the finals.


Put on Formal Attire
It is a great privilege for mooters to stand before the honorable justices and distinguished judges of this competition and answer satisfactorily their questions. But only few are chosen to do such, therefore, you must look good by putting on formal attire (business attire or barong tagalong) because they deserved high regard and respect in attaining such recognition.
If you don’t want to be advised by the judges, put on FORMAL ATTIRE, no more, no less. Who knows, they might give you credit for that.


Be Courteous
Always address “Your Excellency/Excellencies or Your Honors” if talking to the justices and judges, but not excessively because it will surely irritate the judges.
As a good example, one of the finalists, USC 1st counsel, kept on addressing them by mentioning it 3 or 4 times in every sentence, until such time that his 2nd counsel was advised to refrain from excessive addresses. It’s nice, isn’t?


Be Early At the Venue
Start your first impression to the judges by being EARLY, otherwise, just don’t show up and save your shame for the next day! We’re glad that our mooters were early and eager. Galore!


Look Good, Sexy and Luscious
Hmmmmmm, this is one great chance for any one to find your dream boy or dream girl, given that all are law students. And without fear of contradiction, there are a lot of handsome and beautiful soon-to-be lawyers so join and line up. Go go go!
Gerald Yu, our own mooter in USJR, was even received such complement by one of the judges. He was told that he looked like a military major because of his haircut and he could be a good lawyer in the near future. What a boost of confidence!


Practice “Grace Under Pressure”
All right, enough with the good looks! No matter how good-looking you are, if you don’t maintain that throughout your case presentation, it will not matter. But, at least, be sure to maintain that until the competition ends because that will be the only thing you can bring as souvenir going home.


Don’t Raise Your Voice
Don’t impose yourself upon the judges by raising your voice.
There was this one counsel from AdDU, she could be considered as the Helen of Troy, only to receive an award from one of the judges because she obviously raised her voice upon them. Well, at least, she’s like Helen.


Facts, Elements, Laws and Jurisprudence Should Go Altogether
When you argue, make sure that these four essentials are present and concurring for you to win your case, otherwise, one lack of these will jeopardize your case. Don’t ever forget!


Memorize Your Speech
One way of showing preparedness is you memorize your speech and deliver it fluently before the judges. This is already a positive impression to you and is surely worthy of the judge’s attention. No wonder, UP got champion!


Be Confident
No one requires you to memorize your speech, as long as you are CONFIDENT from the start until you rest your case, you can win! But please don’t be overconfident!


Build RAPPORT with the Judges BEFORE, DURING and AFTER
This is one effective way to get the attention of the judges and to be able to maintain good impression. Maybe by applying the preceding qualities, you can establish rapport to the judges.


If you think you have all these qualities, you may have what it takes to be a mooter! Good luck and see you!


Johnny 23

HOW TO BE AN
EFFECTIVE LOVER

Guide for the Heart with Erotic Manual


Love is so special and so important we need to invest in reading, lectures, aand seminars

to develop effective habit. Ignorance can lead to despair, separation, long term hurt or suicide.

What is Effective Love?

Effective love is love that “takes action”. This is a love that involves “doing” or laboring for the other’s body, his world and total well-being. Hence, it produces results, which ultimately, is their spiritual growth. It enables the lover to develop his/ her capacity to love and creatively releases or expresses it.

Effective love is a habit rooted in one’s character. Habit is formed from knowledge, desire, and skill of the nature, dynamics, and activities of love. This means knowledge of the power of love, a strong motivation for its value and meaning and the skill or know- how of the “activity” of loving. All three elements develop a habit. An effective love develops a growing awareness of love as an inborn capacity, positively anticipates and strongly wills the benefits of a healthy relationship and repeatedly performs the most loving behavior.

Effectiveness is not efficiency. Efficiency involves things or the relation between energy input and output. A machine is efficient when more output is gained. Energy applies to relationships with people whose end is spiritual.

LOVE IS A JOYFUL HABIT. Every little thing we do in love is pure delight to the soul even in its most challenging conditions. Even in pain and suffering is beautiful. When shared and unites the souls. Love is not an obligation for the abundance or richness of our person and the greatness of our love. It is a meaningful or fulfilling choice.
Love as a habit means it is easier to do the loving behavior while making it difficult or impossible to do evil, what is harmful and hurtful. The paradox in love is that it increases power and value as it is given.

Effective love balances growth needs of both the beloved and lover. These growth needs and their corresponding noble goals involve the physical growth (to live), social- emotional growth (to love), the mental growth (to learn), and the spiritual growth (to serve).

An effective lover knows:
How and why to love himself or herself as well as another
How to appreciate sexuality and respects differences
Win-win problem-solving that benefits everyone
Balanced view of everything and every situation
Forgives a beloved no mater how evil or ugly the act or the denial
The integrity of our person is not diminished by rejection or separation hence survives a separation and starts all over again, learns from the mistakes of others, offers constructive criticism
Learns from others, seeks expert advice or counseling
Helps and inspires others to become effective lover or to release their true potential, etc.


Why we need to know about love and sex?
We are vulnerable to experiment on sex during the adolescent years when the excitement is very strong.
Most of us receive little or nothing or parental love and guidance because of ignorance of parents or because sex is a prohibited topic
Exposure to pornography, prostitution, internet sex, mail order bride, materialistic values to movies and business threaten moral values
Peer pressure to have romantic relations with the opposite sex even in high school in order to belong or be “in”.
Our inability to express love alienates and hurts us
Most important, to avoid destructive consequences (feeling used, unwanted pregnancy and abortion, loss of reputation and suicide, threats to family unity, failure in study, urinary tract infection and STD).



FOUR STAGES TO BECOMING AN EFECTIVE LOVER:
I – Creating the Love (Self Love)
II – Connecting with Love (Reaching Out)
III – Enjoying the Love (Nurturing Togetherness)
IV – Keeping the Love (Commitment)


MYTHS OF LOVE: Common Mistakes about Love
Love at first sight. You know it when you see it. (Falling in Love)
Powerful sexual chemistry is love. Irresistibly Sweet!” Love is the child of sexual pleasure.”
There is One Perfect person for each one- to fulfill us completely.
True love conquers all. Love will change people even without lifting a finger - or where no action plans are done to solve problems in studies or their habits.
Love comes from relationships. If we are not related, there is no love.
Love is a reward after along and difficult journey through studies and success.
First love never dies. What happens to the second and the nth love?
Conflicts and getting hurt means there is no love.
If you give everything, you will lose everything when you get hurt or get separated. (Giving is giving up)
Bigger is better, more is great. Expensive gifts, more dates, big house, grand wedding reception, means more love.
Men have nothing to lose; women give up something or even everything. (Virginity, feelings, honor and reputation, etc.)
It is OK to give up or sacrifice career, happiness, family, and friends for the sake of love. (Erotic or Romantic Dilemma)
Friendship is inferior to love. “Marry me if you love me.”



PRINCIPLED CENTERED LOVE: INSIDE-OUT PARADIGM

Principle 1: All the love we need comes from the inside. Love is a natural capacity. We give as much as this capacity is developed. This capacity is not diminished nor lost with separation or rejection.

Principle 2: Giving is receiving. To love others means t also love one self.
Principle 3: Love is an activity of the will. Love is a choice. Love is not a feeling. It is a daily commitment “to will” values in each moment most especially when the lower passions are strongest.
Principle 4: Love must flow from the abundance or richness of our person, character, talents, and resources. This means “releasing” or extending oneself. We give from the best of who we are and for the best benefit of what the other ought to become.
Principle 5: Love is a habit and a behavior. Love can be learned, forms a character that repeats the behavior, in a rewarding mission that can be shared and mutually achieved.
Principle 6: Love is a universal need. It gives meaning and value to life.
Principle 7: Love is a value. It is important in itself and is its purpose. It is even an eternal and spiritual value.
Principle 8: Love transforms us. It is a creative energy that produces spiritual growth- competence, creativity, and balance. Failure comes from the lack or excess of love.
Principle 9: Love creates a common world. It is a ‘we”. A shared commitment that appreciates differences and overcomes barriers. Love creates relationships; relationships alone cannot create love.
Principle 10: Love develops slowly. Love takes time together strength. Hasty commitments will dissolve quickly. Every relationship is unique in growth and challenges, movements and mystery. Time makes self- disclosure, connecting, nurturing and deepening a beautiful experience.

STAGE 1 – CREATING THE LOVE (Self-Love)

We can give from who ever we are and from what we have and what we can do. If we have the “sexual competence” then the confidence will follow. Self- love is the condition for love of others.

“Since in the loving encounter I am offering myself to other, the gift of myself must first of all be valuable to myself. If I despise myself and give myself to the other, my giving is a throwing away of myself. I have made the other a garbage can of my despicable self.”
“And why do I share myself to the other? Because I experience a certain bounty, a certain richness in me, and this richness cannot help but overflow to the other. The giving in love comes from a productive character.”


The first stage follows these reasonable steps on developing self- love. Not necessarily in this order. It is very important to have made the decision first before anything else, because only when one is willing can learning and growing begin. Some can approach their personal growth with their internal blocks or by reading first.
1. SETTING THE MISSION AND DECISION TO LOVE
2. SELF- AFFIRMATION AND NURTURING
3. EAGERLY LEARN ABOUT LOVE AND LOVING
4. RELEASING THE BLOCKS TO LOVE
5. LEARNING THE SKILLS OF LIVING
6. MANIFESTING THE INTENTION.

1.1: SETTING THE MISSION and DECISION TO LOVE
Personal reflection before writing the mission statement. We raise questions to make clear the several values and issues in love. List down the main ideas and values (in positive words or phrases) and use these to write your LOVE MISSION.
· What is my current attitude and appreciation of love and sex and of myself as a social and sexual being? Will I like me if I am married to me?
· What behavior ought I develop to become encouraging and supportive?
· What ought I do to develop my valorization of my relationship?
· What values and principles do I expect from my relationship? How do I foresee the future in terms of discipline of children and the spiritual values that our family must follow?
DECIDE TO LOVE: “Today I have committed to become loving every moment of every day.”
WRITE THE MISSION in the form of a preamble of a constitution or a prayer. List the values and behavior that will form the purpose in your commitment to a relationship. Revise it as often as possible. (It is not necessary to already have a well- written personal mission before we initiate the love flow. The one proposed here can be adopted momentarily and improved upon later on.)
Read it twice daily to integrate the value of loving, first in the morning and then, before retiring at night. The repetition will replace the condemning and paralyzing thoughts with love affirming thoughts. “The practice of self- love begins with your mind.”
Visualize and Feel the rewards of loving instead of the fear of the penalties of failure and hurts. Enjoy the benefits in your imagination.
ACT OUT at least one or three of the loving behavior to a friend or a family member. Begin with small act such as smiling or saying hello.

Make you Mission Realistic: The following must be included:
- The goal must be to becoming a “right person” or a developing person for the other rather than finding the right person. Form a loving character.
- Appreciation of own sexuality and sexual differences.
- Healthy Lifestyle and values. Vices and substance abuse even as minor as smoking and drinking, how low self- esteem or lack of love for oneself and for others. True love finds joy in being alive. Such joy can later grow to charity works.
- Relation with Children and in-laws. Care of children comes from the love between partners. Marriage makes many meaningful connections.
- Sharing of responsibilities at home and at work.
- Community service for the couple. Charity begins at home and will later expand to the world outside to help the lowly.






SAMPLE LOVE MISSION

My purpose is to love in order to achieve mutual happiness and spiritual growth. I am kind in action and gentle in words, bring laughter and joy, forgive mistakes starting from the minor injuries, speak truth and negotiate problems, appreciate and lend support, keep promises, touch and embrace often, read more in order to love better, appreciate differences, fight to keep each other, stay romantic even during marriage, give surprise gifts, count daily blessings, love even when unloved in return as unconditional gift, build a growing place for children with respect for differences and many second chances and forgiveness for mistakes at home and in life, encourage noble social mission for my children, healthy and care better, regular fun times with relatives.

SAMPLE MISSSION FOR CHILDREN

To love them and yet not own them since they belong to themselves and to the world.
I model the behavior they ought to learn.
I listen when they talk just as I expect them to listen when I talk.
To have fun times together and let them go with joy as they find their own happiness.
To help them appreciate the gift of their sexuality and the responsibility they hold.
To encourage their dreams, support their identity formation and interdependence in their relationship and work.
To love their children “more” than I love them. To pass on a beautiful legacy.

Wrong reasons for involvement in love:
To experience the pleasures of sex and to prove my sexual powers without responsibility for the consequences.
To have a child who will support me during old age or to give my parents grandchildren or to carry my name or to help at home.
To share the financial demands of life or to avoid loneliness, or to save our marriage.
To love you because I need you (instead of I need you because I love you).

1.2: SELF- AFFIRMATION – AFFIRMATION and NURTURING: How do we become self- affirming? I borrow these instructions from Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and Cherie – Scott. To nurture love means to give ourselves loving attention. These are beneficial and healthy activities that are the most real and concretely experienced which allow us to see what love really is. As these become a habit in private, it will become natural and spontaneous in relationships. What are these?
5. Begin by counting your blessings, abilities and talents. List accomplishments each day. Take inventory of all your assets and areas of improvements (weakness that can become strengths later. Every adversity has an equal or greater benefit.). By focusing on the positive, then we feel happiness that can be shared to others.
6. Very concrete love for oneself can begin with a healthy approach to your body. Take regular exercise, stay trim, breathe fresh air, take a nap or rest when needed, and eat nutritious meal. Stress, insufficient sleep, substance abuse are violence to one’s person.
7. Enhance your skin, teeth, hair, and clothes. “Who we are” is revealed in our bodily and facial expressions.
8. Appreciate your sexuality. Touch and enjoy what you feel and see. You can later teach your partner how you can be satisfied. When sex is fulfilling then we can also find joy in loving in the other areas of the relationship as well.
9. Engage in a hobby or organization you enjoy. This is a special time and space for oneself independent of the partnership. Your family or partner can learn self- reliance on their own.
10. Value your person separate from your accomplishments. Avoid comparing yourself to others. Eliminate jealousy.
11. Reward yourself immediately for good behavior to re- enforce the good. This can be simple as a bowl or halo- halo, a shirt, a great movie, a bar of chocolate or a leisurely walk.

Cherie Charter- Scott included nurturing activities that are simple as the following: Watching the sunset, having a massage, biking, coffee with a friend, a delicious snack, listening to favorite music.

1.3: EAGERLY LEARN ABOUT LOVE AND LOVING: Learn with intense desire all about becoming an effective lover. We learn best when we love the material.

1. Invest books and seminars on love. The money and time spent is worth the happier, confident person we have become. Learn to be competent to love.
2. Find positive role models inside and outside the home. The best example of love is a loving person.
3. Invite and share encouragement from family and friends. Greater support increases and facilitates the integration of loving habits.

Here are some essential truths we can get from learning

What makes us attractive?
In “Sex in the Workplace”, Dianne Hales listed a few characteristics that are appealing to the opposite sex. Women are attracted to character traits rather than physical assets. Power, intelligence, strength and confidence appeal to women. Include humor.
Appearance appeals to men, including attention- catching movements such as “tossing of hair, staring straight into a man’s eyes, glancing sideways and then demurely glancing dropping her eyes, rubbing her arm, smiling, touching a man and repeatedly crossing and uncrossing her legs”.

Appreciate differences: John Gray in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, guides us to look at our partner’s primary needs in order to communicate love better. Women need CARING, UNDERSTANDING, RESPECT, DEVOTION, VALIDATION, REASSURANCE. Men need to receive TRUST, ACCEPTANCE, APPRECIATION, APPROVAL, and ENCOURAGEMENT. We make more scores with them when we respond to their needs.

1.4: RELEASING THE BLOCKS TO LOVE
Hindrances or blocks to loving must be released to allow the capacity to love to come out. These are the reasons why having the good intention is not enough.


FEAR of losing and of being hurt.
Overcome fear by creating a STRONG DESIRE TO LOVE and PROGRESSIVELY DEVELOPING KNOWLEDGE ABOUT LOVING.

JUDGMENT that I am better, others are untrustworthy. (PRIDE / ARROGANCE) or I am not good or unlovable (False Humility).
Eliminate judgment by becoming open to the gift of the other person.
Respect others for who they are and who we are.

GUILT. “I don’t deserve love because I was bad. I can’t because I might fail and be hurt like my parents, brother, sister or friend.”
Release the wounds of the past and failures of others by giving unconditional forgiveness to oneself and to others. Failure is a natural rhythm and is part or growing up.

ANXIETY – uncertainty in ones’ future career or financial uncertainty may kill our interest in love or break existing relationships.
DESPAIR – hopelessness in life will also include hopelessness in love.
Anxiety and despair are existing blocks. These require recovering fundamental source of meaning and value. Have a purpose in life.

BUSYNESS IN WORK –no space for love for someone because one is too busy in profit and projects.
OTHER PEOPLE like parents are not problems but are only “inconveniences”. They challenge us. Negotiate a win- win solution with them. Appreciate the valid reasons for their objections. If they are unreasonable, then follow your heart but commit to the values by achieving personal growth – studies and career.

1.5: LEARN THE SKLLS OF LIFE: No one can love if he doesn’t even know how to live. A person who cannot take care of his needs cannot care for others. The skills to live are also the skills to love since” effective love” requires “doing” or working in order to respond to a beloved’s physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.
1. House chores are basic living skills: cleaning, cooking, washing, and ironing.
These are daily activities of living for family members that develop their capacity for loving as well.
2. Learn the basics of reading, writing, math, and speaking. Make good grades to qualify for a better job and higher income.
3. Have a major goal in life involving a career, relationship, and social service.
4. Make your life and your love your priority. Schedule these important needs first.
5. Save 10% of income or allowance before spending. Buy only what is essential. Live below your means.
6. Acquire the right tools and right attitude to work.
7. Continuing Self- renewal, constant self- improvement – review weekly achievements and growth.
8. Prevention: Avoid substance abuse, video games, and useless texting- chat.



1.6: MANIFESTING THE INTENTION
Announce to family and friends that you have grown up and are open to friendship. According to Cherie Marie Scott, the declaration gives you courage to express yourself and thus liberate or release the need from inside. Hearing your self say it affirms your purpose and clarifies it. Friends and family will often introduce a prospect because you are ready.

Allocate some budget. Put “relationship building” on the schedule.

STAGE 2 – CONNECTING WITH LOVE (Reaching Out)

“You make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people, than you will in two years by trying to get people interested in you.”
8. Dale Carnegie

Many Levels of Connecting / Attraction
1.) Romantic Spark or physical attraction – sexual chemistry
2.) Mental Resonance – a stimulating conversation
3.) Emotional Bonding – immediate closeness, a beautiful feeling
4.) Spiritual Embrace – unity in a noble purpose

These are initially small and yet it is the way deeper and higher levels of intimacy. It can happen at several levels at the same time. However, this initial fire must be followed by plans and effort to establish a connection.

HOW TO CONNECT WITH LOVE? Steps we can do to stay closer.

2.1. VISIBILITY
2.2. EXPLORATION
2.3. EVALUATING COMPATIBILITY FOR FRIENDSHIP
2.4. DEEPENING AND BUILDING

2.1: VISIBILITY – GO PLACES AND COMMUNICATE

VISIT PLACES WHERE CONTACT IS HIGHEST according to your prospects in terms or career, wealth, strength, intelligence, interests, etc. The goal is to notice and be noticed. Or spend more time with someone you plan to become more intimate with.
Dress and look appropriately (revealing but not revealed); put on a scent.
SMILE; look” with love”. Make eye contact. A smile has universal sex appeal.
Give warm and firm handshake; hold it a little longer to show interest.
LISTEN FOR FEELING; give special attention. Switch off cellular phone. WE BECOME MORE ATTACTIVE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX WHEN WE SHOW GENUINE INTEREST IN THEM.
Call them by name. Ask to repeat their name or their nickname.
Be kind; be courteous. Avoid offensive language. Modulate your voice.
Appreciate: Compliment the other for anything of value, or beautiful. Say it sincerely.

NOTE: Going places, perfume and wardrobe require budgeting. This is a worthwhile investment with emotional and spiritual benefits that will endure favor. Put “relationship building” in your schedule and budget – but with sufficient time left for study and other needs like family.

Few important rules on DATING:
a. Wear comfortable attire. Find a comfortable place. Prepare for the rain. Avoid strong perfume. Bring extra cash.
b. Eat light before the date; order a light meal during the date. Avoid colored saucy food, hot soup, onions or anything that can ruin the romance, or anything requiring labor on the table like crab and shrimp. Good food can be enjoyed later in the intimate stage.
c. Express rather than impress. Be you.
d. For gentlemen: Visit the place in advance and know the details of the menu, price, vicinity, safety, and access to traffic.
e. Relax and anticipate the best costume.
f. A dark, noisy spot is no place for knowing each other’s person and story.

STAGES OF DATING:

A. CASUAL –date in groups or common hobby, occasional, when opportunity comes
B. SPECIAL - friendship is developing, special attention is exchanged, more frequent
C. STEADY – dating only each other. This is planned, anticipated, has some depth in emotional commitment.

You may have several casual dates before you can decide to select the special person. The key is to follow what is unique and special according to your conscience and values.

2.2 EXPLORATION: Communication is the most important skill of all. The primary purpose of dialogue is the other’s welfare. Knowing allows us to love each other better based on their need rather than imposing our wishes.

Talk according to the other’s interest. Encourage the other to talk about himself or herself. – Address, course, career, friends, hobbies, favorites, pets, etc. This gives them a “feeling of importance”.
Share jokes, general interests, current events, stories, wards, and recognition. Encourage and join a game.

Communication must begin with the positive and the authentic. Since impression do matter a lot in the earlier stages it is important to focus on the positive first. We become ready for the less positive side of our persons when the connection has become more intimate.

WHAT ATTRACTS HER? What makes her special? – When a man takes the risk to introduce himself or to ask her phone number or asking her out, look at her yes when she talks, being attracted to her, telling that you want to call or talk again, asking about how her day is.
Include: opening and closing doors for her, carry her bag, give her a flower

WHAT ATTRACTS HIM?
“A man is attracted to a woman who can be pleased.”(Gray, 39).He need to please her, when she is happy and receptive then become excited, he needs to pursue her.

A woman must learn to enjoy being made special; she doesn’t owe him anything. She already gives him what he wants the most – to be made happy.(Gray, 41)

“The whole point of the dating rituals is for the man to do little things to show his interest and caring and for the woman to receive him and take some time to discover how interested she is.”(Gray, 42)

We listen to the other for feelings, meaning, defenses, eyes contact, and spontaneity. Even in a group, we take note of facial expressions, tone of voice, mannerism, hygiene, and their friends – where they go and what they do.

SIGNS the OTHER IS NOT OPEN TO LOVE; (Note earlier signs of resistance, refusal or unwillingness to partner): when she disappears every time you appear, when she spends more time looking at “someone” else, has so many valid excuses or too busy in school or office.
NO PROPOSAL AT THIS TIME. EXPLORATION TAKES EFFORT AND TIME. This is why several dating is required. This stage will reveal some areas of compatibility or threats.

2.3: EVALUATING COMPATIBILITY FOR FRIENDSHIP

Stage two after ATTRACTION/ MAKING CONNECTION is UNCERTAINTY. This stage is a natural shift from the beautiful and exhilaration of attraction. We strongly and suddenly feel or just feel a light tremor to doubt the relationship. The attraction was strong and so much has happened which neither partner has intended. “The desire for intimacy is innocent.”(Gray, 58- 59) In this stage,

The man will ask whether to pursue the relationship,
The woman will ask where the relationship is going. - (Gray, 50)

The sudden distance makes her panic.
She asks: Did I do wrong/ Does he still care? What do I do to win him back?

To run after him is wrong. – This is a time to examine what she got from the relationship and to get support of friends. She needs to ask if she really needs him.

HE NEEDS TIME TO THINK. He needs space. But men are like rubber bands. They will come back.

She can call and say hello and that all is well. Never interrogate him for explanation for the sudden changes. This greeting gives him reason to come if he is still welcomed. (Gray, 53)

During that stage or uncertainty, it is important to have a REALISTIC CRITERION to evaluate the relationship.

We GO beyond the strong emotions that we often mistake for love. We note “signs” of a loving character. We check compatibility in values and character that are essential for long-term relationships. When we remain in the attractive quality or talent like singing or leadership then we miss the essentials.


A. NON- NEGOTIABLES -the “ESSENTIAL REQUIREMENTS”
(What to look for) These points build our emotional bank account.


Physical Style and Health habits

Personal hygiene
Eats healthy food
(Vegetarian or meat)
No dugs and alcohol
Regular exercise
“Sophistication” in dressing, fashion sense
Survival’ life skills (cooking, et.)
Temperance, self- control

Emotional Style and Management
Affectionate
Expressive
Control emotions, finds proper timing
Celebrates special events
Devoted, committed
Supportive
Listens
Seeks help and help others
Coping with stress

Professional and Financial Habits
Financial Planning
Savings and Savings Habits
Organized
Works hard and correctly
Honest, integrity
Helps others in need, to advance
Motivated to advance
Complains to improve quality work
Problem- solving with others

Communication and Problem- Solving
Loves to talk
Listens for feeling, for understanding
Reads body language
Articulates clearly
Encourages feedback
Seeks win-win to problems
Expresses hurts with consideration
Avoids vulgar, hurting language
Says, “please”, “thank you”
Apologize for mistakes

Social Habits
Smiles often
Warm and friendly
Humor and fun
Kind and appreciative
Makes friends easily
Outgoing
Enjoys play and sport
Loyal to friends and love ones
Keeping promises
Sexual Attitude and Habits
Appreciative of his/ her body
Enjoys regular sex
Very sensual and seductive
Sexually knowledgeable and confident
Respects sexual issues
Strong sexual chemistry
Skillful and energetic
Appreciates sexual differences, no hang ups
Delays sexual gratification

Mental Style and Hobbies
Creative and imaginative
Find a solution to problems
Appreciates cultural history and differences
Appreciate religious differences
Enjoys are, literature
Eager to learn new ideas
Watches god movies, listens to good music
(Love pets)

Spiritual Values
Believes in God and in eternal life
Prays and / meditates
Optimistic, believes in the best to come
Respects nature and all things
Compassionate to the least
Finds a noble purpose in work
Forgives easily and unconditionally
Cleans nature, recycles, re-uses
Saves electricity

Personal Development
Positive attitude toward self
Count blessings, gratitude for small miracles/ gifts
Reads self- help books
Honest with him/her-self
Adapts, willing to change and improve
Attends schools regularly
Willing to discuss in order t learn with others
Recognizes shortcomings and growth areas
Can laugh at himself / herself






B: Negotiables – “Wishes”
Sexual skills and stamina, car, sports, hobbies, business or profession, professional organization, past experiences, race, money, virginity, political and religious orientation provided it does not include violence and prejudices against women and other people.

C: UNACCEPTABLE: “TURN OFFS’ or “DANGER SIGNS”

Body odor, alcohol and drug addiction, frequently at night clubs, nasty temperament, rudeness, hates children, emotionally unavailable, extravagant display or possessions (cellular phone, clothes, money) to impress others, despises past relations, not recovered from the past, arrogant and domineering, indecision, control freak, breaking promises, tardiness, no future plans, sexual dysfunction, emotionally damaged from childhood, possessive, overly meticulous flirt, self- righteous, suspicious of others, very shy, excessively submissive and parasitic, incorrigible liar, tactless, too many worries and fears, hypochondriac, manic, depressive, proud, advertises sexual conquests.

Compatibility Time Bombs:
Significant age difference, different religious background, different social, ethnic, or educational background, toxic in-laws, toxic ex-spouse, toxic step- children, long distance relationship(De Angelis, 266).

Ask for truthful validation from your friends on what else they know. They see something that you don’t or cannot. Discuss differences of judgment.

Partnering is a sharing of values, which makes the couple compatible. It is important to list down the values to identify what we really need. The essentials must not be compromised. If the prospect qualifies, then be friends.

2.4: DEEPENING AND BUILDING

NOW that YOU HAVE PRE-QUALIFIED, a prospect and BUILT FRIENDSHIP,
1. Move dating to SPECIAL status,
2. Start sharing hopes and dreams, difficulties in their path,
3. Share and discover values, secrets, and frustrations in their life,
4. Touch and hold to stress a point,
5. Visit family and friends,
6. Talk about a social need or charity that one is currently serving or is eager to do later in life.

The evaluation of the dating and friendship should reveal whether compatible or not. If the scores are in high in the ESSENTIAL REQUIREMENTS then long term relation is possible. The results show the key result areas that must be sustained.

2.5: PROPOSAL: Negotiate for intimacy.
- express your intention to partnering, either of these ways:
DIRECT approach is to say what you feel and need – say “ I LOVE YOU” while you hold her arm and watch her reaction.
INDIRECT approach: send a flower, express subtle messages like “I’m happy to be here, “You add new meaning into my life.” You are special to me.”

Expressing a proposal must be more manageable at this time because friendship is already built and several signs of availability and trust must be noticeable. I’m sure that friends must have noticed it too and has already encouraged it.

Assuming that there is acceptance then the partners can begin stage 3. (The rejection will be treated at the end of this reading.)

STAGE 3 – ENJOYING THE LOVE (Nurturing Togetherness in Exclusiveness)

Love is a daily event of the soul. It is a daily joy as anticipation (future), participation (present), and recollection (past).

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in the same direction. Antoine de Saint- Exupery

TO ENJOY THE LOVE, THE YOUNG PARTNERS HAVE MADE SOME COMMITMENTS IN FOUR LEVELS, 1.) TO BE EMOTIONALLLY AND SEXUALLY MONOGAMOUS, 2.) TO WORK TOWARDS A PARTNERSHIP, 3.) TO SPEND THE FUTURE TOGETHER, 4.) TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES TOGETHER. (De Angelis, 406-409)

These commitments are often not expressed but the young couple place themselves in a situation of mutual trust to try to discover their competence to fulfill these commitments.

At this stage, the CHEMISTRY, COMPATIBILITY, AND COMMITMENT. (De Angelis, 396) are qualitatively richer and stronger but insufficient reason for marriage.

HERE ARE THE ESSENTIAL BEHAVOR AND VALUES NECESSARY TO BRING JOY TO LOVING.

“ There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.” Happiness is in the little things that we share that strengthen the emotional and spiritual bond and ultimately captures the total quality of life that is shared together. Though there are physical and mental joys, these however have depth and enduring meaning and spiritual value only within human relationships whether in the family and in the world. War is the destruction of life and of things because frustration in relations between people. Love relationships are at war when the “non- negotiable” or essential issues are not resolved.

Things are only means to making relationships happy.
Happiness comes from the loving behavior and activities that we do, rather than what we have. Love is not in the matter but how we elevate matter as an expression of love as labor.

Important qualities in the loving acts, to bring joy and life: 1.) The loving activities must have variety and newness, surprise and spontaneity, and authentic personal touch. 2.) The DATING must create a history of support and success for the couple. The experience must be positive. The little things the couple does to each other develop the love.

KINDNESS and Courtesy, Appreciation and Gratitude
Babies are a bundle of joy and beautiful because they smile. We can do more.
A gesture of joy is a powerful joyful emotional deposit.
The language of love – “thank you”, “please”, “May I”, “Excuse me”, is joy. An insult, a verbal abuse, name- calling are hurting.
Count daily blessings instead of mistakes. Keep beautiful memories.
In the attraction stage, A man needs to please a women; A women has no obligation to please him but only to receive and be happy for what he does. ( Gray, On a Date, 44)In the exclusive stage, women must learn to ask, while a man must learn to be more giving and more supportive (Gray, 83).

COMMUNICATION and Letter Writing
Communication is the most important skill of all. What is loving without communicating? When we stop “talking” the connection dies. The details of talk are less important compared to the opening of the heart allowing another soul to dwell within us.
Express appreciation. Give public affirmation.
Telling stories about our day in school connects two or more souls together.
We request our partners what we need. (Gray, 77)
Letters are treasures of the heart. When letters are torn, burned or thrown a value is lost forever. Emails from The heart must be printed and kept forever as testimony of lives and loves shared. Re-reading letters is a “remembering” and renewing of a tie that will never break. Letters are creative expressions with serious thought, meaning, and emotion. It immortalizes a deep union.
Expresses and shares joy. Celebrate life and love.
Hug, touch, embrace- this energizes the body. Get physical.
Listen, see eye to eye, and validate each other’s feelings without judgment, “Seek first to understand before being understood.”(Covey)
Express our hurts, frustrations and needs in order to be understood.

WIN-WIN PROBLEM SOLVING, Intimate Fights and Forgiveness
Fighting is an opportunity to love and be loved. If there is love then the couple stays together to face a threat to their love. Fighting is intense loving.

- Look at each other as partners (not opponents) who, since the beginning, have committed to a shared happiness and spiritual growth. Sit together rather than facing each other. Say “We “ have a problem rather than “you’ are my problem. Stay close during a crisis.
- Look at the issues objectively. Examine the facts. Distinguish “inconveniences” from real problems. (Where are we?)
- Decide where you are both going to achieve mutual growth or a win-win solution. (Where are we going?)
- Assign and divide tasks to accomplish the goal.(How do we get there?) Employ integrative solutions that combine several solutions that are mutually acceptable.
- Review whether the goal is reached. (Did we arrive according to the expectations?) Celebrate the growth as soon as problems are solved by becoming more loving – in so many ways. (Sweet kisses, a dinner date, etc.) Celebrate the common victory.
- Sacrifice things and sources or “inconveniences”. Learn to lose in order to keep each other.
- Take turns getting angry. Allow each other to release some steam.
- Forgive each other for the hurts. Reaffirm the value of each other and the value of the relationship.

MAINTAINING IDENTITY and Appreciating Differences
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness.’ Khalil Gibran
Allow each one to enjoy each other’s friends, healthy hobby, sport, or project. Be creative.
Value the differences
Respect each other’s silences.

FUN, HUMOR, SURPRISE AND THE IMAGINATION
Do something crazy for each other. Give gifts for no special reason. Sing a song to each other. Play board games or chess, badminton. Jog together.
(For the married) take a shower together. Wake up each other with a tickle. Kiss her neck while she cooks. Go on vacation together once in awhile – even a nearby hotel. Tease each other.


KEEPING PROMISES
Promise what is possible and necessary to make each other happy. Say “ I’ll try, I demand is impossible or very difficult. Breaking promises means loss of trust. A promise kept is love fulfilled – a need answered in order to grow.

AFFECTION, SEX, AND INTIMACY: Here are some facts and rules to “enjoy” sex.

1. Humor is a better approach to sex than anxiety or worry.
2. Learning about love and sex must be exciting and fun.
3. Sex is a gift and is connected with every aspect of life. Failure in love and sex will destroy everything.(suicide, indifference, rebellion, violence)
4. Men are attracted by what they see- body parts and seductive movements; women are attracted by the romance they imagine and character traits showing strength power (economic or authority), respect, kindness and appreciation and being loved.
5. Men take the lead in sex because of a naturally visual appetite; women must decide whether to allow the advances or not.
6. Women enjoy and love being given special attention; men need to show that they have the power to please women.
7. Men and women are vulnerable to sex when there is privacy to express intimacy. Avoid private spaces when there is no capacity to long-term commitment.
8. Men love because they are initially aroused; while women need to be loved before they are ready for sex.
9. Longer courtship produces more enduring marriage. Mature adult marriages are also more enduring than teenage marriages.
10. Pre-marital sex is not permitted because the risk of damage is greater than the benefits. Getting pregnant proves only fertility, not true love nor true maturity to commit. Commitment because of the child without compatibility is dangerous. Thus, pre-marital sex is most often followed by guilt, regret, shame, and heart-ache because of the demanding obligation to assume the parenting of the unwanted child as a near possibility. Those who don’t feel guilty are morally sick.
11. Four Degrees of Physical Intimacy: First Base (Kissing and affection, passionate kissing, cuddling, embracing, rolling around, and pressing bodies together) Second Base (heavy petting: neck and shoulders, breast and waist up, and waist down) Third Base (mutual stimulation of genitals without penetration) Home Base (Intercourse). (Gray, On a Date, 60- 61)
12. The sexy act can also be motivated by negative reasons: popularity, rebellion against parents, to test one’s manhood or womanhood. (Van Pelt, 100 – 101)
13. Sexual intercourse is a life reproductive act. It is not pleasurable game without responsibility. One ejaculation is sufficient enough to make a woman pregnant.
14. Abortion does not solve the challenge of an unwanted child. This is cowardice and shame. The child is opportunity to be human. The new life is a gift even when uninvited. Solution: a.) Sponsorship: quest support from both parents for support until graduation but without marriage until the young are mature to assume the commitment.) Adoption – stay in a foundation until baby is delivered, c.) Single parenting. Being abandoned hurts but does not make the single parent bad.
15. Women are most available to sexual advances when they are fertile or in “heat”. Sexual arousal of men can be affected by money, career, and health.
16. The fertility of the female can be determined by examining the mucus secretions every morning every day.
17. Failure to reach orgasm is frustrating – can lead to impotence or frigidity, and breakdown in relationship.
18. A man can suffer pre-mature ejaculation when he is too excited. This will diminish a male ego as well as frustrate the female who is now too eager to receive him. A woman too can suffer “dryness” since she is not yet comfortable with the initial exploration in her most private and sacred part.
19. Sex education must be included in the education in loving. How to love is more important than how to do it. We learn sex because we love.
20. The breaking of the hymen is a special and careful occasion that must be handled with patience and respect and love and responsibility. Celebrate the moment. Treasure her and give thanks.
21. Thorough cleaning required before sex otherwise the female could suffer from infection. (Don’t clean with stagnant water.)
22. Sexually suggestive language is offensive. It is a verbal abuse.
23. Size does not matter; what is important is “how you use it and where”. Insecurity in size and skills is really a problem with self- esteem.
24. True sexual happiness and satisfaction comes from love. The act is meaningless without love and commitment. This happiness is more spiritual and emotional than physical. Sexual union is the most intimate and intense expression of love.
25. Emotional and intellectual intimacy comes before sexual intimacy. (De Angelis, 142) Sexual intimacy comes as a result of compatibility. More time spent on dating and discovering and then friendship creates more space for revealing and creating many areas of COMPATIBILITY.
26. Sexual matters between couples must be kept secret and sacred.
27. Read books about life, love, and sex to understand the facts rather than the exaggerations and fears.


HEALTH, Relaxation and Balance
Life is difficult and love is effortful. Love in our own pace a far as our capacity will allow. We become unloving when we are tired. Give space for rest and silence in order to recharge energies. Too much loving is voluntary abuse.
We must have the energy and the strength to give more loving. Substance abuse (smoking, drinking, and drugs) diminishes health and our ability to love.

MONEY. LOVING (and Home)
Cut cost in the economics of loving. Simplify needs. Share dating experiences. Only depreciated people need to show off to compensate for their damage.
In marriage, it is reasonable to own a home rather than renting. The home must first be a place for loving rather than hoarding and consuming of pleasures. Cut electrical and water cost.
Budget for togetherness – weekly dinner, birthdays, and anniversaries.

BELONG TO FAMILY VALUES:
A date at our friend’s home will reveal who they are at home, the quality of their relationship and what values are actually at work. Share their joys and happiness, difficulties and challenges. Take a look at discipline, communication and problem- solving styles. This earlier connection lends support to the marriage if the influence is positive. Marriage must be avoided or delayed if rivalry, intrigue, dishonesty, and other abuses and hurts are persistent.


SHARING OF VALUES AND PERSONS
Sharing of selves and values is the heart of relationships. Love is the mutual exchange of values. It is the giving and receiving is never depreciated or diminished but Overflows from a productive character.
Asking what we need and offering what we can offer is needed here. Trust and faith are also needed in the ability of the each other to provide the good.
A woman feels most loved when a man anticipates her needs and offers assistance. (Gray, On a Date, 77)

Patience, Flexibility and Openness: Appreciation of the mysterious movements

Requiring balance, maturity and integrity of person is demonstrated in our ability to remain firm as we confront the unexpected and mysterious movements of fate. Theses include accidents, death, job transfer, temptations, the presence of relatives at home, or financial losses. Love survives the changes.
Love requires patience to harmonize our rhythm. (Dy, 222) Love is waiting and catching up – in this we will never be alone. The worst thing in love is when two lives cannot be connected.


STAGE 4 – KEEPING THE LOVE (Engagement, Commitment & Renewal) - Loving in Synergy

Keeping the love means either: 1.) Commitment for those who are compatible, engaged or married, or 2.) To cherish the “loss’ after the death or separation for the unrequited love.

The secret to lasting relationship is the daily renewal.
This means repairing, regenerating, re-fueling and recreating
in order to love continually.

Part 1: KEEPING THE MAGIC ALIVE (RENEWAL)

FAMILY MISSION STATEMENT

In the Creating Stage, we wrote our personal missions; in this stage the couple writes their mission statement or at least each of the consenting adults have a family map. This is a written will that contains their mutual expectations and serves as common commitment. The process of writing clarifies first the couple what they are willing to commit. The family mission comes before planning the details of the wedding.
Most of us live in an unwritten agreement as promises. We live by the word. Or these are written down in a letter or a diary. These written works serves the same purpose – we can look back to them and renew our commitments. The number of children or having none must be an agreement rather than “surprises” from fate.

Sample Mission:

The mission of our family is to create a growing place of order, truth, love, joy, relaxation, and to provide each member the condition to desire and negotiate only needs and control expenditure, to enjoy learning in order to develop competence, to re-enforce each other and to leave a spiritual legacy in their chosen profession.

How do we keep the magic alive? How do we renew the original exciting feeling? “If love is a Game, These are the Rules” presents this beautiful possibility for partners.

KEEP THE LOVE ALWAYS FRESH
Be spontaneous and playful. Spontaneity is unpredictable, fun and surprising. We do something crazy or silly just like when we were younger. Riding a carousel, a walk at the park or at the beach, sing a song at her office or classroom, etc. Use your imagination.
“Laughter is one of the purest in life and one of the happiest things you can enjoy together. ”(Carter- Scott, 169) This lifts our spirit and gives life to the partnering. Recall the funny stories and events in life together.

RE- INVENT YOUR REALITY: Do something different.
Change circumstances. Move to a new place, shake the regular routine and have a new environment. Would it be fun to live in another place? Take cooking classes. Take a trip. Remodel the house.

CO- CREATION: To bring something new together. It doesn’t matter what; what is important is the participation or involvement. Have a child and raise it, build a garden, help a charity, open a business, etc. The joint effort brings two souls to each other and learns to listen and respond to each other’s needs, to negotiate and express themselves.

SIZZLE
“Familiarity, predictability and routine may create a feeling of stability, security and permanence, but they do not ignite the sparks.” (Carter- Scott, 174) The sparks or sizzles are internal rather than external. The partners must re-ignite each other by breathing new life into the relationship.
The subtle erosion of the heat and fire are often slow and then leaving only dying members characterized by boredom and making us vulnerable to seek gratifications outside. How do we re- ignite the passion?


Rekindle the flame:
1.) Go back to the memory lane and re- experience the sweetness of the beautiful feelings you felt for him or her. Arouse that dormant feeling. “By allowing the renewed glow within you to shine upon your partner, thus relighting the dimmed glow within him.” (Carter- Scott, 176) Start by asking your partner for a date, offer a massage, or look and smell sexually tempting for your partner. Go dancing together just like the good days.


HEALING HURTS and FORGIVENESS
Forgive hurts, disappointments, broken promises, including unfaithfulness. Each of the partners must assume responsibility for their actions.
Express sincere apology from the heart
Look at your partner and your self as a human being vulnerable to mistakes and yet deserving only to love and acceptance.

RITUALIZING YOUR LOVE

Create rituals to go back to the special moments of the history of your relationship. Dates and places are “markers’. Go back to the “same place” on the anniversary of your meeting, re-uniting after a fight, your first kiss, etc. Celebrate a party with friends. “You cannot change the course of time, but you can create memories to last you a lifetime.” (Carter- Scott, 188) Love requires polishing and sharpening so it retains its luster. We can remain romantic to constantly be in touch with the forever young in us.

Create a secret code that means special for only both. Give each other message before going to bed.


KEEP ONLY BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES. KEEP BEAUTIFUL SECRET.


Part 2: SURVIVING THE LOSS OF LOVE

How do we value a relationship that is over and done with? What is the point of recalling when there is a present and a future love to attend to?

2. Forgive yourself and the other. Take time for healing and crying and getting angry. It’s OK to be hurt and be mistaken.

3. Remove the skeletons in the closet. Not to trust again means that someone “dead” and gone is still stuck inside your heart so no one alive and new can come in. How do you put new clothes when the stinking and very old are still folded inside?
4. Count your blessings. Despite the loss, you still have so many values, treasures, and good. Rediscover you worth and integrity as a person before and after. Avoid self- pity and blaming.
5. Count you friends and family. Seek their support and advice. Spend healthy and fun time with them. Staying alone in your room will only worsen your suffering and open you to destructive alternatives including suicide.
6. Accept the loss. You are not alone. Some relationships are meant to die so new and better relationships and mature selves can be born.
7. Learn form the mistake. Be objective and be humble to admit that we didn’t do right. Commit to do the right thing or to becoming the “right person” who can do the right thing next time.
8. Appreciate the growing from the relationship. Our partners must have taught us something special- which includes the experience, having courage to come out, the first taste of loving and living, the first step to loving though we stumbled so many times, or perhaps a skill. Be grateful. Write a thank you letter. COUNT THIS AS ONE UNIQUE LOVE STORY.
9. Rediscover old hobbies or begin a new one to allow the best of ourselves to come out. Enjoy your time and your life to keep the sunshine in. Get involved in charities or social causes. Clean the environment, Appreciate nature. Have a pet.
10. Go out and be happy to meet new friends. Spending more time with others in order to notice and be noticed. Learn to trust again. Live with courage. Love is not meant for cowards.

Bibal, Joseph Abraham V. “How To Be An Effective Lover”. Xavier University – Ateneo de Cagayan. 2006

Good Luck!!!

Argumentation

Argumentation
Definitions of Argumentation
Argumentation is generally defined as ‘ the art of influencing others, through the medium of reasoned discourse, to believe or act as we wish them to believe or act. It is the process of influencing the belief or behavior , by supplying him with reasons and stirring his feelings.
Argumentation embraces the arts and sciences of civil debate, dialogue, conversation, and persuasion; studying rules of inference, logic, and procedural rules in both artificial and real world settings. It is concerned primarily with reaching conclusions through logical reasoning, that is, claims based on premises.
Argumentation is used in law, for example in trials, in preparing an argument to be presented to a court, and in testing the validity of certain kinds of evidence. Also, argumentation scholars study the post hoc rationalizations by which organizational actors try to justify decisions they have made irrationally.
Components of Argument
In The Uses of Argument (1958), Toulmin proposed a layout containing six interrelated components for analyzing arguments:
1. Claim
Conclusions whose merit must be established. For example, if a person tries to convince a listener that he is a Filipino citizen, the claim would be “I am a Filipino citizen.”
2. Data
The facts we appeal to as a foundation for the claim. For example, the person introduced in 1 can support his claim with the supporting data “I was born in Cebu.”
3. Warrant
The statement authorizing our movement from the data to the claim. In order to move from the data established in 2, “I was born in Cebu,” to the claim in 1, “I am a Filipino citizen,” the person must supply a warrant to bridge the gap between 1 & 2 with the statement “A man born in Cebu will legally be a Filipino Citizen.”
4. Backing
Credentials designed to certify the statement expressed in the warrant; backing must be introduced when the warrant itself is not convincing enough to the readers or the listeners. For example, if the listener does not deem the warrant in 3 as credible, the speaker will supply the legal provisions as backing statement to show that it is true that “A man born in Cebu will legally be a Filipino Citizen.”
5. Rebuttal
Statements recognizing the restrictions to which the claim may legitimately be applied. The rebuttal is exemplified as follows, “A man born in Cebu will legally be a Filipino citizen, unless he has betrayed Filipino and has become a spy of another country.”
6. Qualifier
Words or phrases expressing the speaker’s degree of force or certainty concerning the claim. Such words or phrases include “possible,” “probably,” “impossible,” “certainly,” “presumably,” “as far as the evidence goes,” or “necessarily.” The claim “I am definitely a Filipino citizen” has a greater degree of force than the claim “I am a Filipino citizen, presumably.”
The first three elements “claim,” “data,” and “warrant” are considered as the essential components of practical arguments, while the second triad “qualifier,” “backing,” and “rebuttal” may not be needed in some arguments.
Kinds of argumentation
1. Conversational argumentation
Conversational argumentation is a form of managing conversational disagreements within communication contexts and systems that naturally prefer agreement.
2. Mathematical argumentation
The application of accepted proof procedures can be considered valid just in case it can be shown to be of a form such that it cannot have true premises and a false conclusion, like an arithmetic or logical truths derived from purely logical axioms.
3. Scientific argumentation
4. Legal argumentation
Legal arguments are oral presentations to a judge or appellate court by a lawyer (or parties when representing themselves) of the legal reasons why they should prevail.
5. Political argumentation
These are arguments used by academics, media pundits, candidates for political office and government officials and citizens in ordinary interactions to comment about and understand political events, which ask the public’s rationality regarding a particular public issue.


Sources:
Wikipedia Free Dictionary
Africa, F.M. The Art of Argumentation and Debate.